Part of my heart is broken a little bit. I had to decide if I would consider adopting a baby with any developmental or medical problems. And if so, which of the conditions that are more prevalent in international adoption I’d consider.
In a way, I found this process bordering on distasteful. Even though we talk and talk and talk about how it’s not at all like picking out the appealing puppy at the shelter (I’m totally opposed to pet shops that sell puppies, by the way), there is a resemblance on a certain level. We are, after all, doing some choosing up front. We are ruling out (or in) some babies and children. I’m not suggesting that’s wrong. In fact, I think it’s a vital and necessary part of international adoption. But we are picking.
And that’s also part of what makes this decision so gut-wrenching for some of us. Because we could love any one of these children, whether they have a cleft palate, fetal alcohol syndrome or club foot. We love our children before we even know them. Yes, if you gave me a child with cerebral palsy, I would love it to death. But could I do right by it? Maybe not. And that’s where we have to get over that mountain of emotion into brutal facts.
This may be especially important for those of us adopting as single parents, or for dual working parents. Although some day I hope I’ll get married, I’m going into this right now on my own. I work full time. Would I have the resources to care for a baby with cerebral palsy? Probably not.
It’s true that we don’t know whether the baby we’ll come to call our own will be healthy, even if he or she appears to be initially. There may be unknown problems, and this has happened to parents who unexpectedly must face serious health problems in their child. But that’s not the same as knowingly taking on a baby whose needs we may not be able to adequately meet.
I had to search my heart to make sure that I wasn’t just unconsciously looking for an excuse to adopt a healthy baby by telling myself that I don’t have the resources. I don’t think that’s the case. I think I’m being honest with myself. I really wanted to be able to consider some health issues. I think this was more compelling to me because of my own health problems and history of cancer. How could I say no to a baby with a health problem when I’m so far from perfect myself?
Well, what about a minor health problem, then? Something “correctable?” This is another part of the issue that’s such a struggle. My agency gave me a health checklist to review. I looked it over and decided to consult a highly respected international adoption clinic for guidance. I had a lot of questions I needed answered, such as:
- Is it possible that a baby’s medical report from the orphanage would downplay a health condition?
- How accurate are these medical reports?
- What happens if you are open to a certain condition and are referred a baby with that condition, but then the adoption clinic you consult with tells you that the condition seems much more serious than indicated?
Unfortunately, the adoption clinic I consulted was simply unable to provide any detailed information; they can’t offer information unless you have a specific referral.
So, instead, I had a thorough conversation (again) with a couple of people from my agency. They, too, had few answers to some of my questions, simply because there are so many unknowns, not through any fault of theirs.
It’s one of those big unknowns that helped seal my final decision. As part of the new adoption rules Vietnam issued this spring, people who turn down a referral that was deemed appropriate based on their stated preferences could be forced to wait an entire year before being eligible to adopt again. So, if I had said I would consider a baby with a minor heart problem, but adoption clinic experts determined that the condition was actually quite serious or life threatening, for instance, and I turned down the referral, I may have to wait an entire year before being eligible for another referral. It just seemed too risky.
So, with my more limited resources and the high risk involving any medical conditions, it was with a heavy heart that I decided to state my preferences for a healthy baby. I also decided to state a preference for a girl, whereas before I thought I’d be open to either gender. And I decided to state an age range up to 18 months, whereas before I was considering a limit of 12 months. AND, yes, with a very happy heart, I said I would be open to twins or siblings. (That is extremely unlikely, of course.)
In the end, I’m comfortable and happy with my decisions. I think I did the right thing for me and for the babies and children waiting to be adopted. I love them all even now, but that’s not always enough, is it?
